The Perfect Wife

So this is what I struggle with.  I have this desire to be an absolute perfect wife.  And what does that even mean?  If I knew, then maybe I would actually have less panic attacks.  But, what I do know is that (my therapist) and I can’t figure out where this desire to be perfect is coming from.  It wasn’t instilled in me as a child and we don’t have a moment when we clearly can see when it started.  We have talked a lot about it and we will definitely continue to do so.  It is just—so much fun of course.  Therapy isn’t exhausting at all—HA. 

Anyways, there was finally some sort of revelation when I realized I couldn’t define what a perfect wife was.  I didn’t have a definition.  I just knew that I was never going to be one.  And then I realized that the entire desire for this perfect wife is because I just love Ryan so much that it is what I think he deserves.  SO I very specifically decided that I would ask Ryan exactly what his top priorities were in what I could do to be his ‘perfect’ wife.  And let me tell you, that boy is easy.  1. We all knew he was a winner already. 2. Do you know how much nicer it has been moving forward that on Sundays I sit on the couch and relax with Ryan and Murray rather than running around doing laundry and cleaning bathrooms? --Because by having that insanely open conversation with Ryan that is what he told me he wanted.  3. OPEN CONVERSATIONS WITH YOUR SPOUSE CAN ONLY HELP.  

Ryan and I are always working on our communication.  And it has continually gotten so much stronger.  Put it down.  Communication can be hard and I am an extremely sensitive person—I have worked on it continuously and try to keep an open mind as much as possible.

I don’t know why I have put off writing this.  It is just so hard to put these thoughts down on paper because I am struggling with how much I HATE the way I feel and want it to change.  As much as therapy is incredibly exhausting, it has really been worth every penny.  If you are struggling, I am obviously a major advocate for therapy.  Everyone can benefit from trying it at least once!